I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
