I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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