Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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