Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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