Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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