You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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