I didn't shave. On purpose
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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