12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize