Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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