Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
