I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
