I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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