i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
