Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
