Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
