I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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