I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
