Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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