My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
