The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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