Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize