He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
