Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
