new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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