Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
