I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
