my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
