I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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