just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
