Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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