He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize