The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
