So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
