Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
