Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
