Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
