I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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