it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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