Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
