A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
