i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize