I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
