What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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