you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
