i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
