I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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