I can tuck mytits in my pants
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my being single is dangerous.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
