So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
