is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
