if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You need a sexual gate keeper
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
