woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
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