I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
