He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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