two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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