Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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