I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
