Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
