My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
