On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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