i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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