No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
