Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
