just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
