Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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